Its been a long time since I last wrote, and that's a shame. Especially when I thought things were going in the right direction. But I was redirected. People (me) change and I have to come to terms with that. The things I wrote about in the past weren't motivating me to continue writing anymore and I didn't feel I was expressing my full potential doing what I did. I thought doing what others were doing was also my way forward, but unfortunately that wasn't so. It certainly wasn't fulfilling my wants and needs.
In the posts to come I want to talk more about the person I have been, am and may be in the future. I feel that all through my life I have been misjudged on the things I have done or do and I would like to explain why because recently things have become a lot more clearer to me than ever before. I am out to find out who I am and what I want and can give in life. To sense that happiness I long for so dearly. Whilst remembering that its the journey that's important. I hope that this will inspire me to find my love for life and writing again.
BIG, FAT piece of life with a cherry on top please:
At the moment I am experiencing a big, fat share of life, with some nice and some not so nice moments. It has informed me that things cant go on the way they are any longer. I have to let go and rebuild and that's a very scary thing to come face to face with. I knew it was coming though. Change can be a rather hard and scary thing to confront and its lurking around every corner. Watching every move you make. People fear whats good for them even though its for the better. This also goes for me. For years I firmly believed that holding onto my identity, from then, was the only way forward. That it was the only way to stay true and pure. I believed that my identity would never change. I was wrong, and now I´m scared to face what ever may come next.
Green of envy:
I have been feeling incomplete and down these past two years, and the last few months have been the worst. I have lost my way in life at the moment. I don't know who I am and what I love in life. I've lost interest in countless of hobbies, goals and cant keep up a stable way of living. Every day I wonder how to take the next step and its hard. Failing again and again. I beat myself up about it which makes the situation even worse. And seeing other people bloom in success and happiness makes me angry and jealous. Which is terrible of me. I hardly recognize myself anymore.
So I've decided to take a different approach to my life. Its hard, slow and I have no idea how to do it properly and there really isn't one proper way of doing it either. But I do know it will definitely be for the better. I'm so sick and tired of being unhappy, unsatisfied and unmotivated. I want everything to be new and exciting again because now it feels like I'm in a midlife crises but then way too early in my life. Who wants that?!
I may document my progress here in hope to help others that may be going through the same thing. Together we are stronger! And I also hope others may better understand me because this is something I have been struggling with my whole life especially the last 10 years.
If you have been following my blog for a while and like my Lolita endeavors you might notice a few changes coming. I may be posting less about Lolita and more about life and such things. There will definitely still be a share of frills and glitter (heck I love frills and glitter) involved so look forward to that later on. That is if anyone reads my posts at all.
Google knows all:
I've Googled my questions countless times on what to do when feeling lifeless and blob-like and came across some great inspirational blogs, articles, videos etc. The authors of these let me know that I am not the only one out there feeling this way. My dad also supports me with a lot of life advice and I've learned quite a bit about myself and the human mind in general. This is what I gathered up to begin with so far:
I have to accept that life is like sand. Constantly moving and changing. To me that's the best way to describe it. Change can be for the better or the worse. Sometimes good changes come disguised as bad ones and you only realize what good it has done once you have embraced it.
I've come to realize that life is good and its up to me to make me happy.
Its a natural thing to feel and a dominant monster to rule over you should you let your mind turn dark. Recently I've been scared of a lot of things. Silly things but nevertheless things that hold me back on taking important steps in my life. My dad says that I need to accept and love fear in order for us to get along. Its good to fear things but bad if you let it take control. I hope to find myself by confronting my fears. I feel that only then can I move on.
This wraps up the beginning of a new chapter on my blog. I will be posting more soon. Hopefully this has already helped some in some way or another. I feel nervous but good for haven finally finished this post after months of writing and hope this suffices as my next stepping stone in life.
Some interesting places to lurk in dark times:
Words of encouragement
P.s this isn't a cry for attention if there are some who think so. I'm merely opening up to myself and others hoping that this will help me in life. I hope you can understand and if not then I suggest you read something else.